Back with the resolution! Happy New Year!

Guess who is back..! I have been away from this wonderful page way too long now everyone. Promise to follow up with one of “usual” posts ASAP but right now I’m here for my New Year’s resolution.

I’ve been absolutely hideous at keeping my new year’s resolution the last five years which have been that I should start smoking. Just can’t seem to pick up the habit. God it’s so annoying when half the party goes out on my balcony and freezes half to death in the Swedish winter while I, not being addicted enough to venture out in the cold, sit in my manly couch with a Pink Panther cocktail completely convinced that all they are doing is talking about me.

And you might think but that I’m very self-centered to think that all people do is to talk about me, but I’m not. I am just a incredibly amazing person. Which brings me back to my topic! This year I won’t do the regular New Year’s resolution of: Loose ten pounds, be nicer to my siblings, learn how to smoke while at the same time looking really cool (not coughing like an lung cancer patient), get that penis reduction surgery and more. But this year I will make a list of characteristics I want to eventually embody and make a long term plan to develop and maintain these characteristics. So here we go..

1. Smart

2. Adventurous

3. Creative

4. Funny

5. Loyal

6. Honest

7. Hard-working

8. Open Minded

9. Happy

10. Disciplined

11. Healthy

12. Emotionally open

13. Diplomatic

14. Energetic

15. Passionate

16. Brave

17. Optimistic

18. Challenging

19. Lover of women

20. Charming

21.Outgoing

22.Good Friend

23. Educated

24. Trustworthy

25. In control of myself and situations

26. Rich

27. Artistic

28. Fun

29. Sexually adventurous

30. Humble

31. Classy

32. At peace

33. Calm and Relaxed

34. a non procrastinator

35. Clean and organized

36. Opinionated

37. Controlled drinker

38. Sophisticated

39. Immune to social pressure

Have a great New Year’s everyone! *M

Sweet Child of Mine

Why? Why must I be such a bad influence? Not only leading by bad example, but doing my best to corrupt others as well. To give you the back-story.. I’m currently in Thailand with my dad and my little sister. My dad is already corrupted enough and sometimes even so that he scares me, but my sweet innocent sister has not yet been stained. She has newly turned fourteen, has long golden hair and laughs hysterically when she is really scared. And yeah.. She moved out of Stockholm so she could spend all of her time playing with horses.

It took me four days to have her drink her first beer. She didn’t like the taste that much but I told her I would leave her in the club and go home on my own if she didn’t finish her beer. But no more I tell you! Tonight their will be bowling and cinema I tell you! No beer! Well not for her anyway.. She will have her first tequila instead.

Update: The Tequila became a B52 but that was actually my brothers doing and not mine. HA!

The Book - Intro

This is the start of an epic book by yours' truly. I'm not really sure what it is going to be about yet so all suggestions are appreciated. But no bad suggestions of course. I stress this as I will humiliate you if your suggestions are bad. Well.. Here we go.

-

The young man was lying awake in a pitch black room while occasional noises erupted from the street below. The young man did not notice the sounds as he was deep in thought. An hour earlier a flood of thoughts had started surging and even though they lacked neither beginning nor end he felt compelled to let them run their course. His mind had wandered from old memories, of both pain and joy, to in-depths reflections on how he viewed the mundane things in his surrounding. He knew that he liked the darkness. It made him feel safe.

The warm body next to him moved. “Incredible”, he thought. The small movement she had made changed his train of thought once again. Now it focused on the weight on her arm on his chest, the warm zephyr winds that she blew into his neck, but foremost, what had it been that had made her choose him. What was it this woman, who lay beside him, had found so compelling about him that had made her decide that he had to be hers’ this night? He let his hand run over her supple body once very lightly, barely touching it, and finally he felt the heaviness that sleepiness gives. Instead of succumbing to the heaviness he lifted her arm gently, put his clothes on and gave her naked shoulder a gentle kiss just before leaving her. He did so knowing that he would most likely never see this beautiful and intelligent woman again. Well that isn’t completely accurate. With the factor of chance, he probably would, but he would most likely not remember her.

He had found that, of some strange reason, women who give themselves to a man do not appreciate the humour in said man not remembering them a week later. This had made him very cautious when women he didn’t recognize came up to him with a beaming smile, arms out and overly happy to see him. But, if they were attractive enough, he gave them the benefit of a doubt and let them go to the second stage of his selection process. This while promptly giving them the name “Honey”, “Darling”, “Babe” or any appropriate nickname that made it possible for him not to reveal that he had absolutely no idea who the person in front of him was.

It had been rough night he concluded with a crooked smile on his face while traversing the streets on his way home. Fifteen minutes later he was in his own cool bed, finally alone. That night he dreamt of an incredible business idea. It was flawless in every detail. Unfortunately, due to the awkward fact that he usually only remembered his wet dreams, he wouldn’t remember a single part of this idea. But unconsciously it gave him great confidence in being so clever.

Wanna be my friend?

A good friend will get u out of jail, But a true friend will be sitting there next to you saying: Dude, were fucked!

-- which friend are you?

Quote of the weekend

"I've been thinking about it... And I've come to a conclusion... I'm going to let you suck my dick for free."-Matt

And who said that there are no gentlemen out there any more?

A letter of hate

I hate you so much. There is no end to the grievance you have given me and I will never forgive you for what you have done to me over the years. You've emptied my bank account at three separate occasions, just because you had a fit. You have thrown away literally hours of work in front of my eyes. You have spit me in the face and laughed while doing so.

Even though you're great in many ways I feel that our time together will have to substantially diminish and I think I might be leaving you for someone else.

When that finally happens I have decided to give you to my little sister. Tough deal? You bet. But that is what happens when you unleash the FURY of the Max!

I am of course speaking about my computer. It crashed on me again three days ago and I was in tears with the prospect of loosing all my beloved music, movies and pictures! Pure panic ran through my body.

But, after three days of epic battle, my roomie popped in and asked me what I've been so upset about the last couple of days. I explained the situation to him, he took a look at the computer and solved the problem - Within five minutes.

In five damn minutes he solved what I couldn't figure out in three days! I absolutely hate him and I might have to kill him in his sleep.

But since he saved all my stuff I'll spare him. For now..

Fire

Me and my very good friend F were talking on MSN about last night and I was still in awe of him getting up at eight, doing his manly duty by going to work.

While we both tried to profess our well being I checked out the local newspaper's homepage. This only to find that a large fire had broken out in an area that is considered to be somewhat of Stockholm's "worker's area".

Don't get me wrong! I love this part of town! Well.. like at least. But nonetheless, it is still pretty much labelled as mentioned above.

On MSN
Maximilian: Hey! A huge fire has broken out on Sodermalm!
F: Really?
F: Finally.

So I guess that's it. People on Sodermalm deserves burning deaths according to some of my friends.

Smile Bitch

Today I became a man again. No more chained by the attributes of total youth.

Two years ago I got the unfathomable news that I was going to get braces. This at the tender age of 21. Fortunately, at the time, I had a gorgeous girlfriend who loved me more than to let a face full of metal deter her. God I loved that woman.

Somehow I got used to the routine of cleaning my teeth five times a day, explaining to people why a full grown man had a set of braces and once a month getting my "period" as the cruel bastards tightened my braces (making them an effective method of torture). For five days, every five weeks, Satan would have told me to be nicer.

I also noticed when going through my pictures that I haven't had one full out smile in two years. But all of that is now over. Watch out cause' Mr Colgate is back! But foremost..

I am free again. *Wish you could see the smile on my face*

Up and Down

Elevators have the mundane task to go up and sometimes even down. To make thing even more complicated for the poor things, they have stop at the right floor as well. It is not really the most difficult job in the world.

I don't know if it is out of spite or boredom but my elevator has rebelled against me. The situation has not exactly reached the same level as Terminator 2 or I, Robot but things are heating up. My elevator is just damn evil.

Things started out with that, one day that my useless keys just didn't work. I twisted the poor thing until, I swear to god, it screamed for me to stop. Then I also noticed that someone had stolen my beloved "Beware of the killer chihuahua"-sign on my door which made me really mad. But I kept on trying to get my keys to work like a madman -- I had to get in right!?

Then it hit me, I was on the wrong floor.. And had been basically been trying to break into my neighbors apartment for past five minutes. I rushed up to my own floor properly embarrassed and scared that they would open their door, but I thought that I just pressed the wrong button. I was wrong.

This was the start of our war. Mr Elevator is now officially my nemesis. Now he simply doesn't stop at my floor anymore. Instead he opts for the floor below, just to mess with me. So I have to press the sixth floor and then punch the emergency stop so I can get of at my place. Yeah that's normal..

The best thing was yesterday when I was on my way down with my roomie and a seriously loud KLONK sound came, not once but twice. That was when I reached my limit and called the "If you have problems with your elevator call bla bla bla". They answered surprisingly fast, and I was still on my way down when I was explaining the situation when something white and large just flew down in front of me!

Guy on phone - "That sort of sounded like something fell down"
Me - "YOU THINK!"

I'm not getting on that fucker until I know they had it properly fixed. And of course I live on the fifth floor.

"Twi Twi Twi!"

I don't know why but I've never really liked hamsters. I just don't see their purpose here on earth other than possibly feeding a large bird or two. They smell, make annoying little chirping noises and if they are let out of their cages.. They shit all over the place.

The thing is though.. I have something to horrifying confess. Once I did something terrible to a hamster.. Something terribly funny that is, haha!

I was at this friend's house warming up for a night on the town. But through the music you could consistently hear his little sister's hamster going ballistic in it's cage. F told me to just leave the little bugger alone but when he was in the bathroom and I was making new drinks I couldn't help myself.

The little hairball was drinking on one of those water dispensers that they have to use a straw to get their water. So I go over to the little creature, watching him getting his drink on, when a stroke of genius hit me. Lets see what happens if I just push on the water bottle a little! And thus creating a large flow of water exploding into the little hamster's mouth. So I did and I can't stop laughing when I thinking about it!

The little guys cheeks expanded like a small bomb had gone off which made them look like two small furry balloons and you could see the total shock in his beady little eyes! Then he ran for his life while going "TWI TWI TWI!!" and hid under the sawdust in his little house remaining completely quiet for the rest of the night.

So if you got an annoying hamster you now know what to do.

Anecdotes part 1"The Cruise"

Today I was eating out with a couple of friends having a blast when it hit me. I absolutely love telling stories. As we all traversed down memory lane sharing funny anecdotes I started to think that this is what I should do for you guys. So this will be the start of an ongoing series of stories here in the blog with great old tales from my life.

"The Cruise"
Almost everyone I know has a guy in their social circle that really is that guy. He is the guy that always somehow end up in the most precarious situations that you would otherwise believe that the twilight zone would have to be responsible for to happen. I adore this guy. He is always a blast to be around but sometimes.. Sort of goes of the far end. And here follows the story of what happened on the infamous Silja Line cruise. As I'm writing this I am not sure if I should be censuring this story. In a worst case scenario just add 30 percent more flavour to the story and you'll get the picture.

The whole thing started out with a girl that I was dating invited me and C to join her and her four girlfriends on a cruise. I thought what the hell, migth be fun. It's strange when you can be so right and so wrong at the same time.

Anyway! Of some strange reason this ship felt like it had to depart eight o'clock in the morning. At least three hours too early, by my definition, when it is your day off. But we meet up with the girls, shake paws, board the ship and start looking for our two cabins. Within an hour we had got our supplies from the liqueur store and starting drinking. It was beautiful. I had my first shot of vodka before I had breakfast and this is basically where the twilight zone started to come down on us. From here on this is what I decided to share with you guys.

To start of with: If you ever have had the idea to have sex in one those playroom "sea of colorful balls". Just don't. It is not worth it in anyway, not even as a funny story.

The second interesting thing that I learned was that the poor people who clean these boats should be given a medal and psychiatrist. A nice little surprise was bestowed upon us when we found a large steaming pile of puke exactly outside our door. We actually had to jump over it to get out.

C started to freak out quite early when he had one of his great ideas. This one involved that people who is standing should be laying down. The people in question did not have a choice in the matter either. It was amazing that someone didn't kill him but you sort of can't get mad at him. It's like being mad at a puppy for biting your finger.

But anyway! We hadn't seen C in a couple of hours and started to worry so we sent out a search party. About an hour later we head back to our cabin and of course he is right where we started.. But he is not alone. There are eleven little terrified looking kids and all with a beer tightly gripped in their hands. Then C when he sees us he flashes a huge smile and exclaims "THESE ARE MY LITTLE GERMAN BUDDIES!". They were all German konfermanders (going through their second baptism). How the hell did he find these kids?

But the best part was when we finally got back to Stockholm. Me and the girls were waiting at the exit, where we probably looked like we had been to hell and back and bought the t-shirt. But then finally C comes slowly walking towards looking extremely grumpy. He doesn't even acknowledge our presence. Then out of nowhere this really old skangly looking lady comes walking out and yells out with a really heavy finish accent "C! There you are!" and C just lights up! They embrace and then she proceeds to give him back his wallet, ID, car keys and Walkman. Seriously.. I don't like to curse but.. What the fuck?

To this day I have never found out what happened between the old lady and C.

EDIT: I am not happy. I feel terrible even. From this day one I promise never to censor a story again. It is all the way or no fuggin way at all.

Poker with the Devil

I can still not for the life of me understand or remember why I started to play poker. Maybe it was the large amounts of money that I was going to make or the possible recognition from friends that led me to hope that I too could quickly become a pro.

Instead this damned game has on several times been close to giving me a gut wrenching heart-attack, it is directly responsible that my keyboard isn't fully functional anymore and there is a gash in the wall that magically appeared after a bad beat. A bad beat for those who isn't aware with the term is when you are inches from a mountain of wonderful money and instead the computer spits you in the face while twisting your balls. Honest to god it does. You almost feel like puking. Your opponent obviously all of the sudden sold his soul to the devil in order to take home the pot.

The kink is though.. In total I have invested about 250 dollars in learning the game of no limit hold'em poker. When I lose, to me a mind numbingly and sickening bad beat, I lose at most around maybe 30 dollars. When my friends who actually does this for living has a really bad beat they lose thousands dollars.

So what I love to do is consistently share my bad beat stories with my poker playing buddies just to let them know that they are not alone. That there are hobby players out there like myself who understand them fully. They try to point out that I only lose a fraction of their loss but I know better than to listen to them. I don't really care when they lose their money.. If they would have lost my money I would have been furious!

So if your interested in learning texas no limit holdem I'm available for lessons for the meager price of 99$ a lesson. You have to give some to get some. Write that down.

Suprise!

I'll update you on the Valborg festivities tomorrow! Here is a great little cartoon in the meanwhile. Signing out!

The Peaceful Warrior

Just saw a wonderful movie. Found the trailer on apple trailers ages ago and right away felt that this was a movie that I had to see. But the movie never made to it Swedish theaters and not even to the video stores, so I just sort of forgot about the whole thing.

Then yesterday I was browsing through new movies on Pirate Bay and there it was.. I couldn't believe it. Popped it for download and just now shared it with A. Who just happened to fall asleep during it.. I hope that she was just exhausted because I loved the movie.

It shows you how to live in the moment. Not to think of the outcome and not to be guided by the past. How there is never not anything happening. To get rid of all the garbage that clouds your mind. It made me think. More than usual.. Why I desire the things I want.

If you don't like the thinking part you can still see the movie because of the action, hot girls and guys grinding and all the mad hip hop beats. But they are a bit into the movie.. So listen to the stuff they are saying just for a laugh and then there is the big reward with tits and ass. I promise! Tits and ass for the whole family.

A fool proof plan

Hahaha! I should really be studying now but.. Just had to share.

Steve: If she starts getting mad at you for cheating, just take your dick out and stick it in her mouth... that'll either give her something useful to do with her mouth, or give her something else to be angry about and maybe forget about the whole "you cheating" thing.
Blake: I dunno...
-On shaky plans

By the way! Didn't mean tattoos on the last post. I'll explain the whole thing tomorrow. I hate the SWOT model (current school assignment). Have to get done.. You're busting my balls here. Balls, busting them.

Eightball

I've done quite a few things that have shocked people while I was drunk but this time at least I made the decision when I was sober. I will admit that I went through with the decision while very intoxicated though. There is courage in Absolut Kurant, Apple Smirnoff and Sprite.

I wont say what I have done but I can say that this post's picture could be a clue. And the best thing is that I don't regret a thing. Wentworth Miller ain't got shit on me.

I would not mess with her..

Ok.. let me draw you a picture. Its the end of the month. You're a bit late on the rent and suddenly you hear a loud knocking on your chamber door. Who could it be pray tell? Its the no other than the Landlord.

Even got a bit poetic there! But still, the feeling you want is fear, pure terrifying fear.

Just watch the clip.. You will cry, laugh and drift into a catatonic state. You'll love it.

LP

Guess who is coming to town!? And guess who forgot to buy tickets.. Well to get back to my last post I actually kept postponing buying them until the tickets suddenly were sold out. So now I will have to get them at a scalper at twice the price but I don't care cause I'm going. I'm going and I'm going to rock out with Linkin Park. Don't even care if I have to go alone. I'll be everyone in the audience new best friend and the band will dedicate the concert to me. I will stage dive naked while singing "numb" together with Chester on an extra microphone. On the next concert the band will sell t-shirts with my face on it. This is how crazy it will get. Just to give you a heads-up.

And if you haven't heard it.. Their new song What I've Done is sweet. Shibby!

And I hope you like the little before and after of the band! So if you look like Chester used to know that you still have a chance.

A new beginning?

Well.. I'm basically sick and tired of being sick and tired without a single reason. So, what to do? The first thing is that I''m going to share my plan with anyone interested enough to listen and have them bust my balls like a demon from hell if I don't follow my own new creed. And I heard that if you share your plan with others the success rate increases dramatically but failure is not an option here.

With any problem you have to figure out a reasonable solution and commit yourself to go through with that solution all the way. No half measures god dammit. In order to gain something, something of equal value must be sacrificed. If you want more money, work more. If you want to get bigger, train harder. Very few things here in life is free and those that are should be cherished.

So first things first. I will appreciate those that are close to me and make sure that they know how much I appreciate them. Maybe not in words because I feel that actions speak a lot louder.

I will have a dramatic decrease of female encounters. I have to stop meeting women in order to confirm that I'm desired. I'm not sure if I'm looking for something but now I know at least what I don't want. From now on its just fun gaming! I want to get back to the old me where I just loved talking to everyone around me.

Third.. No more shortcuts in life. I often blame not being able to do much because of school and at intervals this is very true. But in those periods in between I will get of my lazy ass and get things done. I will start to train again as I know how great I feel from everything that comes from that part of my life. I will start more side projects in order to get money to fund this summer. I want to travel through Europe but I want to have a good friend to go with me. Going alone can be great but I want to share this with someone. And the last short-cut is my goddamn room. I've been talking about fixing it up for months now but its time to really make it mine and make/keep it look just awesome.

Finally I want to say thanks. Thank you for giving me this life because it has infinite potential and all I have to do is get of my ass and find fulfillment. I my life isn't what I want it to be then I will change it. Those steps above are the first many to come.

Out of this world

Yesterday was on of those days which makes you glad just to be a part of this wonderful world!

It all started out like a normal Thursday with some beers and Wii gaming at F's place and ended in bliss with free hamburgers. In the middle of an exciting SSX run with mad flailing we got the call that would change our night. A friend of ours that we had planned to meet up with first broke the news to us that he couldn't go out that night BUT! But he had three bottles of champagne waiting for us at Plaza (a million thanks P!). The catch was though that we had to get there in 45 minutes but with the proper encouragement (liqueur) I and F can accomplish anything. So we downed a couple of shots and threw ourselves in a cab that had taken a couple racing lessons, but we didn't mind.

After that everything got a bit blurred.. But there were some highlights!

Stockholm's biggest gay persona aka Tito explained just how horny he was and how F had a shot at him. Love Tito but he gets a bit profuse when intoxicated. Something that F experienced!

A former world and Olympic wrestling champion told me that we ought to hang out more.

Got free hamburgers at McDonalds due to inspiration from O. If he can do it I can do it.

Had a girl apologize that she couldn't go home with me. I didn't want her to. Or did I? Naaaah!

Got two hours of sleep before I went to pick up my cousin at the train station!

And guess what.. Tonight is going to get even more crazy!

Deathgrip

Forgot to mention a beautiful little piece of info from the party bonanza!

It was when J got into a fight. It was really unnecessary but the whole thing was so funny that I just had to mention it.

Me and J were heading back to Berns when some dude made some random remark at J. Instead of dropping it J made his stand and took use of his Deathgaze which didn't seem to do much on his assailant which kept dropping remarks. So J opted for the much feared Deathgrip and grabbed the guy by his collar at arms length and continued with the Deathstare. Still the assailant wouldn't crumble and instead he went to attack.

The next part was a bit blurry since I was terribly drunk and my conviction is always that a clean fight one on one should stay that way. So I stayed out of it but there seemed to be a draw. No I give J the victory simple on stature.

J would have made a great Spartan. More on Spartans tomorrow.

This will destroy my social life.

Or maybe it won't but it is still so cool!

F sent this to me so I can't take full credit but this site is absolutely incredible. You can see any show that you can think of basically and stream it directly to your computer. On top of that the site is full of movies!

This page will definitely be there for me to satisfy those few boring moments in my life.

Enjoy and thank me later.

Women.. Why won't you learn?

I seldom profess my views on women other than various positive statements at irregular intervals. I may have been known to to tease at times but sometimes out there someone has a message that just can't be ignored..

I won't say if this represents my own views but either way this is simply amazing.

Watch these two clips and write a little comment if you agree or not.

Women know your limits.

Women and cars.

Told you I would be back

Back from the dead! This weekend was full of recuperating and mental oblivion, but in the opposite order. As promised there was a major harbinger of party bonanza and not more than six hours after the exam was handed in the point of no return was long gone.

The highlight reel made its appearance again as I woke up in the morning naked with blasting music, facing the wrong side of the bed and finding an untouched hot dog laying directly on my keyboard. I put on the official "I'm hungover" cowboy hat, my aviator glasses and wrapped a small towel around my waist. Holding it tight with one hand and massaging the back of my head with the other as I took aim towards the kitchen.

Of course.. I had forgot that my roomies mom slept over so I gave her quite a scare when I barged into the kitchen growling and drinking directly from the sink with my interesting choice of clothing. But she knows how charming I usually am so I think that she still keeps me in highest regard.

An hour later when I met up with the guys to get something to eat and puzzle the night back together I quickly came to understand that the grey areas of the night before were a bit larger than I had expected.

The first hint came when the guys started to talk about new place called NEU. I asked where the club was and they gave me long confused look before explaining to me that we all were there last night. Great.. If I hadn't won all that money on roulette earlier that night I would have been so golden.

The second thing was when a cute girl suddenly stopped in her tracks and started to smile at me. Yeah.. we had talked all night last night and she wasn't even a faint memory but I pulled through and gave her a big hug. She probably understood that I didn't remember her name at least when I called her "Darling" for the third time but, cest la vié.

I have really started to love those hangover days when the guys take walks in the sun, just enjoying life and small surprises keep on popping up here and there.

BRB

Hey everyone! I'm writing my exam now and will be finished on Friday so chances are that it will be a bit slow here for a little while.

Don't worry.. After the exam I'll have a celebration party to tell you everything about and since I've been so bad at updating lately no juicy bits will be left out. I promise their will be juicy bits.

But I'm seriously thinking of pressing that special button on my keyboard for this exam.

Anger Management

Today I scared the hell out of alot of innocent people.

I was down in the subway, waiting for my ride and started to write a text message when my fingers decided to mess with me a bit. It was almost like they said "Ok guys! Max hasn't given us enough attention lately so lets give him a hint what happens if he doesn't start pampering us soon." and then is just said "plop".

My cellphone leaped into the air and I instinctively, out of reflex, tried to grab the phone while it still was in midair. But instead of catching the phone I managed to smack it really hard, which sent my little brick of a phone flying into the wall and exploding into so many pieces it was joke.. Again out instinct I let out a big "FUCK!" while doing little strangle movements with my hands.

Then I noticed that the whole station had been struck by a sudden complete silence and they were all glancing frightened looks at me, thinking that "there is guy who could do with a bit of counseling". I picked up the pieces of my ex-phone and got on my train.

The lesson to be learned here is that if you drop something don't fling it into a wall and yell profanities afterwards, as it will make people think that you are crazy.

Cape North

This summer is going to be absolutely awesome! Many things are already planned but this idea feels like it will be among those great summer memories for long time. I am going to enter the Cape North Parade.

I didn't know this before but it is illegal to have boat races in the Swedish Archipelago. So instead of calling the competition the Cape North Race it is called the Cape North Parade. Its just a parade! The only thing is that everyone in the parade start at the same time and everyone tries to get to the end of the parade like greased lightning. But its not a race. It is a parade.

The only thing is that I don't really have a boat.. Well I have a boat, but not one I could enter with without being laughed at. But this week there was a surprise! From nowhere I found out that my brother bougth a Jet ski for this summer! So I'm entering the Jet ski part of the parade!

This is the plan. The coolest guys and girls in Stockholm, or as I would like to call them "my crew", is coming out for a major party extravaganza on the island. But the day starts with that we all take the big boat and find a nice little place where they can see the race and start to warm up for the night. We open a couple of beers, have a nice lunch and do some swimming from the boat. Then as the parade approaches I get into my newly fitted Superman costume with an absolutely awesome cape. The cape is a really big part of my plan as I want it to flutter sweetly in the wind and not end up wrapping itself around my face so I crash into an island or something. As I see it, the competitors (not that it is a race) will be so in awe from my dedication and costume so I'll have an advantage from the start and secondly who can go faster on a Jet ski then Superman? Seriously, don't be silly and try telling someone otherwise. After I win the race we are going to have a party like the archipelago haven't seen for a decade! Its going to be one for the books.

The only thing now though is that I have to learn how to Jet ski. I'm really good at going in a straight line super fast, but tight corners isn't exactly my forte yet. Not a problem though! What I lack in skill and aptitude, my underdeveloped rational fear and wonderful cape will cover for. See you there!

What Would Tyler Durden Do?

Here comes another great finding from my Internet adventures!

This is where I get all the juicy gossip from around the world a couple of days earlier then our newspapers here in Sweden do. Every story usually comes with some cool pictures and the guy who writes the comments is absolutely wonderful. I think he takes after me..


A truly amazing site if you are just looking to kill an hour or two.

What Would Tyler Durden Do? WWTDD

You can fix my TV anytime

Its just not logical

Today I made a discovery. You can divide the world in two groups.

When a group of people go out on serious drinking binge it is the next day that separates the sheep from the wolfs. There are those who let their hungover be their master and "decides" to take it easy and there are those who go "Last night was awesome! God I'm hungover but tonight is going to get even crazier!".

I love the second ones! Personally I'm 50/50, but not that I chill half of the time and go crazy for the other half. Instead I'm "There ought to be a law against being this hungover" for first couple of hours when I wake up from my deep sleep. Then I start thinking of all the great stuff that happened last night and a little devil on my left shoulder starts whispering alluring incentives.

Its party time bitch.

Damn car

I'm so hungover.. And now I have to walk across town to get my car..

*Note to self*
Don't drive to the party.

ps: Scarlet Johansson is a fox

Blinded by the lights - The Streets

Hmm, brandy or beer? Waters a good idea,
Wish that bar lady'd appear; and come serve over here.
Where the fuck could they be? still not over in the corner,
This nights a tragedy, i keep thinking i saw her.
And i'm thinkin'...
(Lights are blinding my eyes)
No thats not them, thats not them either...
And i'm thinkin'...
(People pushin' by, and walkin' off into the night)
I'm still not feeling anything, this has got to be a dud.
It's been ages since i necked it, and smoked six tabs to the nub.
Belly's not even tingling, i just feel a bit pissed..
No-one looks like minglin', i cant see her or him..
And im thinkin'...
(Lights are blinding my eyes)
I'm gonna do another i think. Yeah, one more, these are shit.
And i'm thinkin'...
(People pushin' by, and walkin' off into the night)
These toilets are a piss take, queue's bigger than the door.
Gotta get rid of this pill taste, what are they chattin so much for?
Glad i'm not a girl in this place, they'll be here til dawn.
Sure my belly's tingling a bit, somethings happening im sure.
And im thinkin'...
(Lights are blinding my eyes)
Maybe i shouldnt have done the second one, i feel all fidgety and warm...
(People pushin' by, and walkin' off into the night)
Whoa, everything in the room is spinning, i think i'm going to fall down,
My heart's beating to quick, i'm fucking tripping out.
I wonder whether they got in, turned away no doubt.
Who cares, this is a tune coming in, that who where hes like..
Im thinkin'...
(Lights are blinding my eyes)
My eyes are rolling back, i'm rubbing my thighs with my hand.
And i'm thinkin'...
(People pushin' by, and walkin' off into the night)
Yeah yeah they cheer - can they see my hand in the air?
Need to wave 'em over here. Swear Simone's kissing Dan.
My head is twisted sever, body's rushing everywhere,
They could have texted me when they were near, but i'm fucked and i don't care.
(Lights are blinding my eyes)
What was i thinkin' about? Ah who cares, i'm maaaashed.
(People pushin' by, and walkin' off into the night)
Totally fucked, cant hardly fuckin' stand.
This is fuckin amazing; argh.

Hot Fuzz

Last night ended up being really exciting! I was supposed to go to bed early as I had a presentation at eight o'clock in the morning the following day, but things didn't quite go as planned.

I had two tickets to the premier of Hot Fuzz but wasn't sure if I would go since my date flaked on me. Then suddenly a pack of friends called and wondered if I would like to go to this really cool movie premier. Suddenly there was a whole gang going so I decided - What the heck. I'll be home by eleven. I had no idea what I was getting myself into obviously. This night ended nowhere near eleven o'clock.

We get to the movie and I guess a little review is in order considering all. It was a great fuggin movie! The best part was when the super cop was to disarm a little old lady and surprised the whole audience by dropkicking her in the face. It was so wrong it was right. It is the same guys who did "Shaun of the Dead" that made this flick and if you haven't seen SotD, make sure that you do. But it helps to be a bit toasted when watching them both.

After the movie the guys convinced me to go for "refreshments" at the afterparty that the organizers held at Solidaritet. So ok! Just one refreshment! Just one! I have to get up early tomorrow but.. I'll still be home be twelve so its still cool.

When we get there I went to order the first round (yeah I already dropped the one beer thought there) and discovered that the bar was free! Unfuggin believable.. I have to go to bed early and its a open bar for one hour.. But I'll be home by one so its still cool I guess. That would leave me with six full hours of sleep. I can do that.

When the beer started flowing a friend and me got into a heated argument where I didn't agree with his approach to meeting women. He would go up to women and ask them if they were a model and I felt that this sort of only made him come across as a nice daft guy who only tells her something that she already knows - That she looks good. But he wanted to prove me wrong and went for another target while me and F stood at the bar enjoying the show. Casanova actually did a half decent job but she never really got into him. I decided to get to the bottom of this and went to get her opinion on the matter.

I step up, Casanova introduces me , he heads towards the bathroom and leaves me with her. The first thing I notice is that she has a ring on her ring finger, but I can never remember which hand is the real deal and I wasn't out to meet women so I decided to let it go. We fluff for a minute or two and then I ask her about the model question and she tells me it was flattering but it never really got her interested in him, but he seemed nice. The dreaded "nice" word.. Often soon to be followed by the "lets just be friends" speech.

Then a old spark ignited within me.. I could feel him coming. Labereo Max was on his way. Labero Max is one of my alter egos who is really charming but mischievous to the core and he decided there and then that he would take over for the night. So Labero started to do the talking, starting with the soon to become classic - "No no its cool! But I would never have asked you something like that. It is obvious that you're not a model" and her jaw just dropped. After that we were best of buds and did stupid little magic tricks for each other. She was getting married by the way and now I know that it is the left hand which is the real deal.

The clock was now 2:30 AM and the three of us decided that it was a good idea to get something to eat before we went home, as it would make sure that I wouldn't be hungover when I woke. They have obviously not been reading my blog. We approached the wonderful golden arches of McDonalds and knew salvation was close. But who knew that we would have to go through one last trial before we could get home and remember.. Labero was still at the helm.

After ordering and waiting for our food Labero heard someone right behind him giving really condescending remarks to one our friends. Labero turns around, leans up against the desk and looks at the guy with a gleaming smile. The guy was scrawny little kid with a perfect backslick and the most annoying upperclass accent you'll ever find. Labero was thinking of hurting this brat, but he also noticed the five brat friends who were backing up little Ms Backslick with really stupid smiles. His pack was enjoying the show.

Ms Blackslick asked Labero if he wanted something but Labero just kept on smiling, not breaking eye contact. Ms Backslick turned around towards his friends and said loudly "Haha! Look at this guy! He think he is someone and look at that ragged old jacket. Why don't you go buy some new clothes! You look like a bum!" It was so on.. Me and Labero haven't been in a fight for ten years but now we were quite considering it as decent alternative. You can mess with me and Labero to an extent just don't touch our friends. But since they were six in total (just one too many) and we have a healing broken jaw, we decided to take the high road and just verbally bash this little douche. And most importantly, its seriously uncool to fight.. Write that down.

Now Labero went back to sleep and as I am the more evil one of the two, I took control again. Ms Backslick grabbed my jacket to show some detail that he didn't liked to his friends and I decided that now was as good time as any. I flung my arms up with a large movement while saying "HEY!" holding my arms like he was pointing a gun at me so I wasn't projecting any aggression. He misread the movement and thought I was about to hit him so he jumped back with a jolt and I had his full attention. Still keeping eye contact I explained very loudly and jovially so all his friends could hear "You know.. I'm not comfortable enough with my sexuality to have you touching me like that" and they all burst out laughing, all except Ms Backslick.

Then he gives me a little push and I start again "Hey! What did I just say? I'm flattered but you're really not my type!" and his friends burst out laughing again even louder. It is interesting how quickly the wind can change. Then saved by the bell our food was all done and we left to go to our table, leaving the pack behind.

Got into bed at 3:30 and it was a miracle that I stayed awake for the entire class. But a great night though!

Balls of Steel

Most people don't know this but I am the king and lone ruler of the Internet. It's quite a responsibility too I would have to admit. Every day I go out in my kingdom and view what kind of gifts my subjects have offered me during the night and scan through what my critical taste enjoys and who's going to dungeons. If you don't believe me I'll just shut down the net for a couple of days. I dare you.. Try me.

By doing my daily journeys I have gained a superior understanding of my lands and have now decided that its time to share some of my findings with all of you loyal subjects. The first of many that I will introduce you to is "Balls of Steel". BoS is a amazing English TV show that just loves go over that thin line of appropriateness and they have made their king very happy with the results. The program is basically divided into several acts but my favorites are "The Annoying Devil" and "Negs Urban Sports". The annoying devil goes around screwing with people and see how far he can push them before they explode and Negs comes up with various sports that all are on the verge of being illegal.

Here are two of my favorite clips from both the Devil and Negs but I recommend that you keep on searching a bit for more clips on your own. Enjoy!

I still enjoy wtiting my little stories the most but I'll try to add as many of these little Internet findings as possible. But they have to meet the royal standards of course.

Naaaah! I'm getting softer by the day.

I want this cat

Assassins

Yesterday I think I almost got F killed. It wasn't on purpose though! I believe that I was the intended target..

It all started with me and F meeting up for lunch. We finally decided that we would go check out my old girlfriend's job, which is a great Thai fast food place. It could have been hazardous to venture to the Thai place if she still would have worked there, but fortunately she has found love in London and hopefully don't hate me as much any more.

Anyway! When we get there we each take our own register and start to order and that is when I noticed that the guy at F's register is sort of eyeballing me. The cute little Thai girl that I was ordering from was a delight and a bit flirtatious, but the guy at F's register just wouldn't stop glancing intense looks at me. That was when I remembered that I had been introduced to him several times and I had managed to forget him each time as well. He had thing for my ex but I don't easily feel threatened and never really took notice of him.

F and I got our food and on our way to the table I just had to mention that "That guy totally gave me the evil eye" and F just laughed it off as me being paranoid. We sit down and start eating and after 30 seconds F's face suddenly shifts and his eyes' widened. Then he started to do the international sign for "my food is extremely spicy", which is flailing his hands in the air, having panic written on is face and grabbing towards anything liquid. I responded by doing the only appropriate thing that a friend can do when another friend is in such a situation, I started to laugh my head off.

After a couple of minutes when F's pain had started to ebb out we both investigated his food and found TWELVE full pieces of Piri Piris. Piri Piris is like the second strongest chili in the world and just to give you a reference.. When I use it to cook a pasta for eight people I use three which I grind up. Now this is of course Thai food but still! I healthy young man would have gone in to cardiac arrest if he would eat twelve Piri Piris.

My yellow curry chicken was absolutely delicious though. *Note to self. Never order from the guy with the evil eye.*

The kids are our future

I'm going to hell for sure. Why can I never just stop before things get out of hand?

Today my nephew had a Laserdoom birthday party. This involves that you put on a big flashing suit, getting a small gun (which basically is a laser pointer) and every time you get hit your suit vibrates for a second or two. There had somehow been a misunderstanding by the kids that it actually hurt when you got hit, so most of them were a bit nervous.

I get to my nephew's school where I was supposed to help transport all the kids to the Laserdoom place and three kids were handed out to me. Can you believe this? People are actually trusting me with other people's kids now a day?

Our little quartet went to my car (aka the Batmobile) and the first thing the kids say is "Wow! What a cool car!" and start raving about it. This kind of threw me of at first, but made me feel a lot less hostile towards the little creatures. I thought that this might not be such a terrible thing. But then.. Ten seconds in to the ride the kid who called shotgun started to talk about his dad's car.. How much bigger it was bla bla bla and here is where things went sour.

I smoothly just mentioned the subject about Laserdoom being painful and the kids did a great work amongst themselves of getting scared. Then I casually mentioned that I used to laserdoome quite a lot when I was small and here is the part that kids have to learn. Don't trust everything an adult tells you. Sometimes he's just not a nice person. Sometimes.. Sometimes it could be me your dealing with. Write that down.

The kids explode into a frenzy of questions, most of which had something to do with the pain level of being hit and I did the only thing I could do in such a situation. I scared the shit out the little buggers. I told them how their legs could give out from the pain but how it was worth it because you could do the same to everyone else and boy did I get their attention. Now they spoke even faster than before and I think that one of them actually started to hyper-ventilate at one point.

We finally get to the place and the little rats runs straight up to my big brother with their scared little faces and start telling on me all the things I said in the car to them. Shit.. Here comes lecture I thought, but then I almost got a tear in my eye from the joy of having such a great family.

My brother simply responded "Hey! There is no need to worry! You see.. You can choose between two settings. So the gun either just really burns like hell or it can make you bleed. See? No problem.". Then my brother's wife had to sort everything out and ruin it. But I still would like to think that I hopefully scarred the younglings at least a little bit.

I love kids.

Memories!

I'm dedicating this day to Robbie Williams. I know this sounds extremely manly but I had my playlist on random and one of my summer songs came up which led to that a flood of great memories came back to me.

It brought me back to laying on the beach in Monte Carlo this summer struggling with approach anxiety as I was there alone and had to make friends. I conquered my fears, made a bunch of friends and had a blast. Those kind of memories should not be belittled so today I'm going to pest my room mates with singing Robbie Williams songs all day and all night long!

And here was my view when I had breakfast every morning. Not too shabby if I had to say it myself. Just click the picture to be amazed!

Back in biz

The power of the hat in indisputable after yesterdays night clubbing!

After a great warm up at my place everyone was a bit tipsy and in a great mood I decided that my old relic would get to come out with me and take a couple of drinks and boy was he happy. The relic is an old cowboy hat that you can clearly see on that it has gone through battle. It is a bit crooked and some parts of the weave have started crumble but it still looks great! Well depending on what kind of mood your in anyway.

So me and my hat went out into the wonderful feeding frenzy which is Stockholm on a Saturday night and owned every place we entered. I know of course that my hat may not be the most fashionable item but we have the most wonderful synergy when we are together that can't be ignored and people seem to notice this as well. You know.. Sometimes I'm just a attention whore.

Now its time for the wonderful part where I have to clean up the apartment and my hat will help or he will get an earful.

The shit

Ok, even if to snow comes back I don't care. From now on its spring charging towards summer! That together with that I've got my car back which meant that I just had to burn a new cd for the car. So when I'm cruising down Karlavagen people are at least annoyed by some great music. Yeah I know you can hear but I don't care. It sure as hell made you race over the sidewalk grandma.

Just remembered when one of friends vowed that he would never ride in my car again after I played the Batman theme with my speakers maxed out while driving by Stureplan with open windows. But if you ride in the Batmobile you'll suffer the consequences. Write that down.

But here for the songs!

1. Sugarcult - How Does It Feel
2. 30 Seconds to Mars - The Kill
3. The Goo Goo Dolls - Let Love In
4. Otherwise - Somehow
5. tAKiDA - Burning Inside
6. Panic! At the Disco - I Write Sins Not Tragedies
7. Stone Sour - Through Glass
8. The Killers - Mr Brightside
9. Three Days Grace - I Hate Everything About You
10. Dishwalla - Angels or Devils
11. The Kooks - Naive
12. Blessid Union of Souls - I Believe
13. Swirl 360 - Okay
14. The All-American Rejects - Swing, Swing
15. Candlebox - Far Behind
16. Jimmy Eat World - Bleed American
17. Sick Puppies - Mastered - All The Same
18. Sugarbomb - Hello
19. Alter Bridge - Open Your Eyes
20. Fall Out Boy - This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race

Just Press Delete

Seriously! Why are there so many completely useless blogs?

"Today I met Bla and we had a coffee. He was nice. Later I watched a movie on the TV and it was funny. Then I went to bed. Bye bye!"

I been checking out the competition and I can not for my life understand why my blog isn't at least among the top ten i Sweden yet. Ok! I know my promotion activities haven't exactly been top notched but its getting there! On top of that I have to admit that there are a couple of pretty decent blogs out there that even I have begun to check out on a regular basis. But I won't give out any names until they promote me as well. You have to give some to get some Mr Schulman. There are really some good writers out there though.

But what are people thinking? I'll just have a diary on the net that is pretty much as exciting as garden work, watching paint dry or waiting for the crocodiles at the zoo to do something. I'll describe mundane things I do all day in a way so it is not even remotely close to being interesting. AAAaah! I have made an oath to make you disappear and so it will be. I'll just leave those blogs I like to last. Sorry but you have to go..

I would like to think that what I say at least have some weight behind it and those times I just feel light hearted that I am able to draw out a smile. But then again.. I'm just in it for the cash, cars and hoes. Holla!

Beautiful Patterns

Today beauty is something common. But being beautiful is so easy. All you need is a bit of luck in the gene pool and your there! But is that enough? Maybe for Ms Right Now but you can't always be looking for her. Even though its pretty fun and when the alcohol is doing the talking sometimes she is even quite charming. But really.. Its just not enough.

What most women doesn't know is that most men would date a girl solely based only on her looks. Her personality could be rationalized away by amplifying those relatively small attributes that are positive and her looks will block out all those little annoying habits of hers', such as being insufferably stupid could be an example.

Women on the other hand have this beautiful defence where their attraction to someone is a roller coaster ride, with ups and downs that are just simply wonderful, and this is one of the many reasons I love women. All women are of course very different but you all have certain commonalities that you share. Wonderful commonalities.. My favorite womanly paradox are those who have a combination of an über high and ultra-low confidence at the same time and you have to be careful not to tread on either. This is what can truly attract me to a woman. Those beautiful patterns inside her head and trying to figure out all her wonderful quirks. Often it isn't easy but most things worth doing often aren't.

I know that I may not be the best man for women out there as I have a tendency to end up hurting people. But I think that even though things might end up in flames, the ride there is often worth it.

Teachers say the darndest things

It is just not fair. I wish from the bottom of my heart that every one of my friends had been there. I'm currently taking Human Resource Management at the University of Stockholm and there is general consensus by the students that the teachers and English isn't exactly a match made in heaven. It is almost like that the teachers all decided that the only correct pronunciation is the one closest to Swedish phonetics and if they don't know a word a good way to cover is to simply use the Swedish equivalent, with a strong English accent. In the long run this can be somewhat infuriating but sometimes.. Sometimes there is a gem that the whole world ought to have understood. And here is that gem..

While sitting in class, almost daydreaming as it was unusually uninformative, our teacher suddenly feelt she had to clarify something. But before that, a description of the teacher is a must. She is around seventy years old and thinks that it is perfectly appropriate with just a little bit of cleavage. That means that you can accidentally catch a glimpse of her voluptuous old wrinkled chest and just enough to scar you for life. So back to her clarification! Swedes will get this immediately but the rest of you will get an explanation afterwards. But don't worry.. I think you'll get the point any way.

"Hemm! Just to clarify.. Waiters in a restaurant can easily be replaced as they are easily trained but a really good and experienced cock (not cook) is just so hard to find"

If you missed it re-read the last part. The first time she said I thought that I had misheard what she said. I just couldn't have heard that correctly. But then..

"A good cock is something that can't be easily replaced and is often a HUGE asset to the restaurant. Especially if the cock is specially trained."

This is where I lost it. I started to look around the classroom and when I saw how everyone's faces was starting to squirm I just couldn't hold it in! I tried to mask the laughter with a cough but only made it sound like an alien mating call and the whole class bursted out laughing. The best thing was that the teacher thought it was the mating call that had triggered the class and she started to laugh as well while shaking her head at me. After that I had to pinch myself while at the same time going through the whole family tree just not to loose it again. For all you English speaking out there. The Swedish word for cook sounds almost exactly like the english word cock.

Give my regards to the chef.

Payback

I wouldn't say that I easily hold grudges, but you know.. Sometimes what goes around comes around. Six years ago me and my two friends were on the night train going on vacation to drink, ski and fornicate our cute little asses beyond all recognition. But before we arrived I made the number one mistake that you just can't do around people who love you in a mischievous way. I fell asleep before them.. What I concluded from the aftermath was that they had tried the old "foam in the hand" trick but when they tickled my face I never scratched the itch, which meant that I was just lying there with foam in my hand. This was not enough for the two little red-necks, so they upped the ante by just spraying my face until I woke up with a burning rage that just happened to wake up the rest of the passengers in our cart. A wonderful memory.

Well now! Now I will get my true revenge! I found the most beautiful thing one person can do on someone else without being pure evil. They will probably claim afterwards that I have done many many things that were far worse back to them since that foamy night, but I've chosen not to remember those occasions so my revenge will be fully validated.

Well.. The plan is pretty simply. I will drink them both under the table and when they pass out at my place I will light their feet on fire and film it. This might.. I repeat might seem just cruel. But it really isn't! They only burn their feet mildly and while putting the fire out a hilarious dance will takes place! This is so wonderful. I would like to say that I was the creator of this marvelous idea, but I was inspired by a video on the net. So if you would like to get an idea what's going to happen you can take a look here. The only difference is that I will use "Scatman John - I´m a Scatman" in my video.

I'm not evil.. And you're not fat. No really, you're not fat.