Least I Could Do

Oh man.. A friend of mine recommended this little strip to me a while back and I've been hooked ever since. Just wonderfully truly male chauvinist humor all the way.

http://www.leasticoulddo.com/

Business Idea: The Date Brick

What a beautiful idea! Came to me from nowhere and it's going to make me filthy rich.

Admit it!? It is a pretty funny gift for someone. There on your birthday, opening presents in front of the whole family - "Oooh an extra heavy present must be something nice!” The family gathers closer to see what this wondrous thing could be and POOOF! Your very own “Date brick”!

Now I just have to decide whether to make it out of rubber or just start sending out real bricks. No matter what, they would of course all be equipped with a funny little tag on them with pictures explaining how to properly use the “Date Brick” and as a safety reference it would say “With Great Power, Comes Great Responsibility” Naah, real bricks would be funnier.

This product is not to be confused with the future product “The Rape Brick” whose patent and copy infringement is still pending.

PS: Thankfully a great lot of you won't understand what I consider so funny about this post and if you are one of those people be grateful to know that there is yet still some hope left for the world.

Comfort

I've noticed that I am an enormously comfortable man. I love Japanese food but am appalled by the inconvenience of sitting down on the floor and eating. Your knees hurt, your gut is pushed up in your chest, the back starts aching after a while and I just can’t for the life of figure out a way I can sit without looking absolutely like the uncoolest, most uncomfortable man in the world. This of course bothers the hell out of me as I have a certain persona to uphold.

This phenomenon is not just confined to most pricey Japper restaurants but also at other seemingly “nice” occasions. For some reason someone invented “the picnic”. I would personally invent the time machine just to go back in time and kill him. I don’t care what possible butterfly effects this might cause because he must die. Everyone seem to enjoy the idea of picnics but they always seem to forget the horrid field of bird shit (where you have to try to find the spot with the least amount of bird shit of course), the insects, that’s sole purpose seem the bring the joy out of the whole experience by committing suicide in your food, and finally it is back to whole sitting down on the ground to eat..

Same thing with standing up while eating and here we have an entire nation to blame, Italy. Why? Dear god why? Was the investment of some proper chairs too much to ask? - “Ooooh we’re in so much of a hurry we have stand up when we eat, possibly in order to throw ourselves to the ground when a mad Swede tries to bomb us to bits. So we have to be springy” – It annoys me have places appear trendy and more business like because of the lack of chairs.

If you make me stand up or sit on the floor to eat at your establishment - I say “Fuck you my good sir” and go home and work on my time machine.

Failure Looms in the Bushes

Personal failure is something that absolutely terrifies me. I hate being bad at things and this has led me to sometimes do stuff as sitting at 3 AM in the morning reading advanced tactics on thumb wrestling. Did you know that every three turn combination has its own name?

"Haha! I'll just use The Swooping Eagle on you and your puny thumb!" This really happens.. Except that he of course would be thinking this as his opponent would be well versed to know the exact counter to the "Swooping Eagle", probably called "Buckshot Extravaganza" or something.

But back to the point! Failure sucks, unless it happens to random people you don't know. Because then it is pretty damn hilarious. So I give to you: http://failblog.org/

Facebook 2.0

I have a terrible secret to admit. I like the new facebook..

Ok, don't start throwing rocks at me! I just don't mind a bit of change. The only reason why people are objecting is that they were so used with the old, they never even thought how nice something new could be.

I just hope that you got over that whole "e-mail" business as well. Like who would want to write electronic letters? Preposterous!

Change every "Britney" to "Facebook 2.0" and enjoy the video! OK, it won't make total sense but it still made me laugh. So fuck you, you critic.

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

Voice

Recently I've been involved in a job where I'm speaking a lot. This entails harassing poor unsuspecting people by phoning them up in the evening and making them appear at a meeting they didn't know they needed to go to in the first place.

The only reason why Satan hasn't emerged to claim my soul already is because: First, it is not all that bad attending one of these meetings and the second reason being that I am really well paid for doing this. Beelzebub understands how important it is to have a good revenue flow. How could I otherwise afford all the booze and hookers that guarantee my place in hell?

But when calling people up, there is a short moment where you can hear your own voice in the headset. This is absolutely freaking me out and being an over analytical person, I've put way too much thought down into this. E v e r y time I hear my voice I wonder why people don't regularly come up and smack me up my head and tell me "Just be quiet you terrible person. Can't you see that you are scaring the children?” My voice is just gruesome, too squeaky and nasal. But no one else seems to mind strangely enough.. The other day I actually got a compliment for my voice over the phone and I almost accused the potential customer for being an atrocious liar. The thing is this though. To this day I can't recall meeting a person and really thought to myself "Ooooh, that guy had a really odd voice. What a silly person. I will go home and blog about his silly silly voice". But now of course I am hoping to meet this person. The joy it would bring me, to laugh and point my finger at that someone.

Until then, the thing that makes me feel better is that almost everyone hates the sound of their own voice.

I am Maximilian, hear me roar.

He's Back!

Hi everyone! I'm finally back in front of a decent looking keyboard (not only squiggly letters) and on a Internet line that I haven't "hacked" to. For the record - Don't have "default" as your network password.

Weeeeeeell! Since last there's been some serious alterations to my travel agenda. First, I decided to stay another month. Secondly, I decided to blow what savings/non-existing budget I had to fly to "the true other side of the earth" aka Not China aka The Land of the Tree Dropping, Incontinent and Savage Grey Teddybears aka Aussieland.

But even before that I went to one of the of the coolest parties I've ever been to.. Full Moon Party in Koh Phangan. There was, I don't know how many thousands of tourists, partying in unison, dancing like madmen in the pouring rain and a lot of people drugged out their mind. A pretty sweet and foremost different experience to say the least, but what made it just that much better.. Was this.



Just imagine what it actually would take to make this true. First travelling with a friend who passes out (maybe not the most incredible part). And then not just passes out, but is so wasted you can do pretty much whatever you want to him. Then here start the brilliant bit, shaming him in a more than adequate way. Seeing how wonderful all this is and taking a memorable picture to celebrate the occasion.

And here is the pure genius part - Making hundreds of copies of "Pineapple Man" and putting them up ALL over the island. There really ought to be a Nobel prize for the man who credits this idea and if it isn't then I'm instituting one now. Hey, I'm Swedish that ought to allow me make up new Nobel prize categories right?

So here is goes. To the man who came up with this simply brilliant idea I Maximilian of Sweden award you the Nobel prize of Awesomeness (which I previously have won three years in the row but is happy to pass on). You prize is a beer and it can be collected in Stockholm at any time. Hurray! Hurray! Hurray!

Impossible is Nothing

From an early age I was always very interested in martial arts and gymnastics. I would like to say that this was because of some specific person in my life which inspired to to go down this path. Maybe being able to credit it to my older brother who has trained various arts since he too was a small boy or maybe some great figure as perhaps Bruce Lee would have been nice.

But no..

What inspired me was no other than - The Turtles! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that is or if you want to be really cool you can just say TMNT. It is interesting how kids can find role models in weirdest of places but I'm still happy that mine led me on path of training your body and mind. Have to catch a boat now so Cowabunga at you guys!

Found this amazing gymnast that I wanted to share with you as well.

Koh Samet

Today were leaving for Koh Samet! Even though we haven't booked neither tickets to actually get us there or a hotel room for when we arrive I still feel confident in this decision. Heard somewhere a long time ago that you should do something every day that scares you and this measures low on my terrified scale. Everything will work out as it always does.

And yeah! Have to get a backpacker bag before we leave! There is no way I'm hauling my brick on wheels half way across this country over seas and bad roads while constantly fighting throngs of wild animals. It might work as a good weapon though.. Well I guess I would if it still had a handle I could swing it by. There's still the possibility to drop it on the animals! Anyway, enough ranting but I'm still a bit curious what my travel companions will do with their luggage.

Once I read about a magic luggage that that walked by itself on hundreds of small legs and somehow managed to clean all your clothes. I want to get that one of those. There has to be one around here somewhere.

My New Favorite Pet

I present to you..!! The Dramatic Lemur

Game Theory - Not Playing By The Rules

Some of you may be aware that there already is a concept of Game Theory but here is my take on things while travelling with Chris and Sara.

In all of my life have I never ever even come close to playing as much different games as I am now. It is literally non stop gaming action from dusk till dusk. First there are the standard variety of a multitude of different card games that is constantly played as long as the wind doesn't insist on stealing our cards.

Then a new game to me which I've noticed that I am somewhat of a prodigy at is playing Yatzee. Chris and Sara call me a lucky bastard (I like to see it more as a combination of skill and extremely good karma) and my record so far is 317 points which is supposed to be a big deal, but I don't know. They don't even mind anymore when I don't want to play, which also is a first.

Then there are the real "sport" games as pool, bowling, guitar hero and thumb wars. All in which I also am unbeatable. Nooooooow.. Chris and Sara might beg to differ but that's just lame excuses for being sucky. Be a good looser- that’s what I say.

I have never had the good grace to be good looser of one simple fact. I have never experienced defeat. It is concept that is unknown to me.

So my one big wish before we get back home is that Chris or Sara actually beat me in anything just so I can get a taste of that feeling that they feel every time we play something. *wish wish wish*

Arrived - I'm Really Here

It took almost five hours after we landed from our gruesome 25 hour flight that I realized that we were actually in Thailand. What shocked me into my proper senses was a shot of whiskey and standing on the buzzling street of "Walking Street" in Pattaya. We started out partying hard and so far five days later nothing is pointing towards that this will decline.

I would have demolished my old record for staying awake the longest, but a two hour involuntary nap made me feel like I wasn't being true to myself. But I have definitely broken my record for least amount of sleep in four days.

During this time little A LOT has happened. My favourite things being;

The kissing contest, which I refused take part in, where Chris (not using any name acronyms anymore) managed to squuuueeeeeze in a last minute kiss with not exactly the cutest Thai girl right before the deadline. Sara coerced this young tourist boy to give her a big sloppy one. She's still talking about the kiss and expresses herself a in great detail what acts she wished she performed with the child (emphasizing child and boy). Just as a note. I'm pretty sure that Sara is exactly what my little sisters will grow up to become and I'm absolutely terrified.

Secondly I wish all of you could have seen the look on Chris face when a little Thai Go-go girl thrusted her pelvis on his face and him first jerking back in horror and right after that realizing that she wasn't wearing any panties. He is now convinced that he has Hepatitis B.

Have to go to bed now. We're going up early tomorrow to get a massage before we head to the beach. The biggest worry in my life right now is how I am going to turn down the offered happy ending tomorrow. And for those of you who don't know what a happy ending in the context of a massage implies. I urge you to find out. Write that down.

The Evolution of Dance

First of I want to express my joy of figuring out how to post videos. Jay! That done, here follows the person who taught me everything I know today about dancing. It is thanks to him I can win any girls heart by strutting my stuff on the dance floor.

Living

I saw this person on an internet reel some time ago and I really took his speech to heart. But today I managed see a shortened more powerful version of his original speech on the dubious show Oprah.

I wasn't watching it! It just sort of was there.. Oprah is evil I tell you.

But back to the point. The back story to this speech is that Professor Randy Pausch, father of three, was recently told that he had three to six months left to live as he was dying of cancer. This is how he dealt with the news. It is inspiring.

Professor Randy Pausch's Last Lecture

ps: I know that this wasn't the most well written post but I wanted to share this with as soon as I saw it.

ds: Some people are questioning my prediction on the outcome on the song below but.. I tell you. Flo Rida - Low is going to be a hit.

The Next Hit

All my life I've felt a certain pride at being able to pick out hits. And this.. This is the next one.

Insomnia

Insomnia is a bitch. For most, insomnia is lacking the ability to fall asleep. I don't see it that way. For me sleeping is death. The second most boring state in existence to be exact. I have noticed that I will do just about anything except going to sleep.

Just now I have started three intense conversations on msn, all about the equilibrium between men and those strange long haired creatures. Before that there was the short but intense workout beside my bed (have to get buff so the ladies will dig me when I'm naked).

And before that there was the project to have a beautiful version of those long haired creatures to come over and keep me company. Which failed miserably I might add. That this was one o'clock in the morning is no excuse.

Note to self: Get a full understanding of the women psyche by Tuesday.

Forget

The past has happened. There is no reason to dwell. Keep looking forward towards the future because that is where salvation and inner sanctum lie.


Had this fairly obvious epiphany tonight but I just hade to let it sink in and that little black ball in my chest finally vanished for good. I'm really good at dwelling. On top of this I found a beautiful song which I want to share with you all. Its an acoustic version of the song "Kill Me" by 30 Seconds to Mars and sung by their lead singer Jared Leto. If I went gay I would totally date him a couple of weeks. I bet he's keeping his fingers crossed, but sorry.. No not too likely.

Into the Mist

Tonight my good friend H is coming down from up north to make sure that I have a serious speech impediment before twelve o’clock tonight. Each time he is in town, of some strange reason, I never remember how I got home, in bed and wake up with the headache only a terrible demon called Tequila could summon. Damn that demon woman.. Note to self – Don’t swallow the worm.

On top of this I usually awake fully clothed with 50 angry text messages on my cell phone from the poor girl I booty called last night, but forgot to stay awake to open the door for – Aka The ultimate “hard to get”-move! I guess it’s not the nicest thing in the world to do to someone.. Haha, still a bit funny though.

This night is going to get crazy. Now where is my Sombrero hiding?

Me Love Thailand Longtime

In twenty-one days Sweden will feel loss. There will be a great confusion where this feeling of immense loss emanates but it will be felt none the less.

This is because a certain man will leave the land of dreaded cold, soggy snow and constant battles with polar bears in order to buy groceries and instead journey to a little slice of heaven where the sun shines, drinks flow and nirvana is around the corner.

With him travels two persons - The first a magnificent hypochondriac poker player who he shares his deepest thoughts with and the second a wonderful girl who suffers a bit from ADD, but always manages to get by on her smile. Together they will be a force to be reckoned with and hopefully they will be allowed to stay their intended time in heaven without being deported to a warmer place.

But don’t dread everyone. He will be back in your lives soon enough again and by no time at all you’ll wish he never came back *wink*.

Back with the resolution! Happy New Year!

Guess who is back..! I have been away from this wonderful page way too long now everyone. Promise to follow up with one of “usual” posts ASAP but right now I’m here for my New Year’s resolution.

I’ve been absolutely hideous at keeping my new year’s resolution the last five years which have been that I should start smoking. Just can’t seem to pick up the habit. God it’s so annoying when half the party goes out on my balcony and freezes half to death in the Swedish winter while I, not being addicted enough to venture out in the cold, sit in my manly couch with a Pink Panther cocktail completely convinced that all they are doing is talking about me.

And you might think but that I’m very self-centered to think that all people do is to talk about me, but I’m not. I am just a incredibly amazing person. Which brings me back to my topic! This year I won’t do the regular New Year’s resolution of: Loose ten pounds, be nicer to my siblings, learn how to smoke while at the same time looking really cool (not coughing like an lung cancer patient), get that penis reduction surgery and more. But this year I will make a list of characteristics I want to eventually embody and make a long term plan to develop and maintain these characteristics. So here we go..

1. Smart

2. Adventurous

3. Creative

4. Funny

5. Loyal

6. Honest

7. Hard-working

8. Open Minded

9. Happy

10. Disciplined

11. Healthy

12. Emotionally open

13. Diplomatic

14. Energetic

15. Passionate

16. Brave

17. Optimistic

18. Challenging

19. Lover of women

20. Charming

21.Outgoing

22.Good Friend

23. Educated

24. Trustworthy

25. In control of myself and situations

26. Rich

27. Artistic

28. Fun

29. Sexually adventurous

30. Humble

31. Classy

32. At peace

33. Calm and Relaxed

34. a non procrastinator

35. Clean and organized

36. Opinionated

37. Controlled drinker

38. Sophisticated

39. Immune to social pressure

Have a great New Year’s everyone! *M